Two miscarriages led me to start taking care of myself

By: Natalia (Spain)

I was 36 years old. For about eight years I had been working in a classical theater company where, in addition to being an actress, I was in charge of management tasks. I had also been giving private English lessons for more than fifteen years, going to the homes of my students. And I was lucky that there were some TV acting opportunities from time to time. I was constantly on the goI juggled to keep up with my bills with my partner, who was a painter and martial arts teacher.

I was always involved in a project, and it didn’t seem like the right time to have a baby. It’s never the best time, really. But I decided that it was time to think about motherhood. And that is what my partner and I focused on.

I stopped taking the pill and in about six months I got pregnant. That immense joy of feeling an entire universe growing in my belly vanished. I started with light spotting and the embryo’s heart stopped beating at six weeks. The doctor recommended us to wait a few months to try again, but we ignored the recommendations. I desperately wanted to get pregnant, and after two months a new embryo was pulsing inside me. A few days later the fateful stain on my underwear again. Absolute rest, fear, anxiety… Finally, I also lost that embryo, at eight weeks, and a curettage was necessary from which I woke up alone, shaking and crying, begging a nurse to hold my hand for a while. I had two miscarriages.

And I began an ordeal of several months in which I did not come out of deep sadness. And also from anger when someone told me: “don´t worry, it is normal to have a miscarriage”. That it is frequent does not make it less painful. With each embryo I had lost the possibility of a whole future. I could not bear to have my grief so dismissed.

What I began to be aware of was the fast pace of my life. I used to hide behind the fact that this was not stressful because I was working on things that I really liked and that is a trap: overwork exists, even if you love what you do.

I left the theater company, I reduced the number of lessons and I did what I think must be done whenever life puts an obstacle in front of us, of any kind: I focused on myself. I began to take care of myself, to observe myself, to know myself.

I remembered a woman who had been introduced to me a year before. She taught yoga only for women, focusing on those difficulties inherent to our reproductive system: cysts, tumors, abortions, infertility, abundant and painful periods …

I started to take care of my diet, I went to a reflexologist, I established an almost daily routine in which I breathed, did yoga and meditated singing mantras (I love to sing).

I understood that whatever my lifestyle, my responsibilities, my obligations, my goals … none of these are as important as how I treat myself. And, let’s be honest, it is possible to find that daily moment for ourselves, or to change certain habits for healthier ones (little by little, a new habit each time).

At seven months I got pregnant. I kept all those self-care routines. And everything went well. My son, Max, is about to turn twelve.

But I must add something else that I discovered. I think there are things that, no matter how much we take care of ourselves physically and emotionally, we cannot avoid. There are difficulties that we need to go through in order to grow. So, more than taking care of ourselves to “avoid” problems, I think it consists of taking care of ourselves to be prepared for the inevitable problems. Because there are obstacles that bring us information that we must process and about which, without that problem, would be very difficult to fully comprehend.

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